Hello Again, Darkness.


I want to be a child again; run without direction, without care.

I want to be a child again; laugh just because I feel like laughing.

I want to be a child again; cry because I need to let go some of my emotions, right here, right now.

I want to be a child again; I sing and scream and yell and cry and smile without the slightest care in the world.

I want to be a child again; I want to forget how ugly this world can be.

Being an adult entails a lot of things. For me, personally, I think I label myself as an adult officially once I graduated university. I was 22, a fresh graduate. I’d say it’s very normal to feel worry and anxiety towards the future for people around my age.

Most people kinda have to attend school for years. At least until they graduated university. I was part of most people. Admittedly, I was kind of a robot – I go to school because everybody goes to school. But the seemingly straight line has to end somewhere. And that line, for me, is the point where I got my bachelor’s degree.

I don’t have to be a robot forever.

I realized I do have a choice in my own life – and that’s where things got kinda messy (at least in my head). My priorities were (and shamefully are) unclear. I wanted (uhh, want) a lot of things in life. I don’t want what people call the best of both worlds, I want the best of every goddamn world.

And I got stuck here. In the middle. I am at the crossroad. I want everything to blend in – my romantic life, my friends, my family, my professional ambitions, my personal values, my principles, everything. So naively, I want what people would call perfection.

And the more I long for that perfection, the more of darkness gets through me.

I once read on Quora about the fact that people who make music get in touch with the darkness more often than other people do – other people visit that darkness once in a while when they want to, but people who make music have to meet their darkness so often it’s hard not to be consumed by it.

I could relate to that article so bad it hurts. I never really analyzed it – but I have a deep connection with music and that I have known that darkness ever since I was kid. I have always been a sensitive kid – but I hid it so good I don’t think most people even realized that about me. Some people who are close to me did say that I ‘present’ myself so good that they never really guessed who I really am behind that mask. They were kinda surprised that in reality, who I am is really different than what I portrayed to be.

I never intended for it to be like that. But, you see, ever since I was kid, I was in touch with the darkness quite intensely. I was a friend of the darkness for years – what I could recall as the most intensive sessions were when I was 9 and up until I was around 13. Quite surprisingly, those years were the years when I write the most. I had stacks of note books that I wrote vigorously coming from those years.

‘Befriending’ the darkness from such a young age requires a great deal of strength. I could not and would not show that side of myself – the side that exposes how close I am to that darkness. And without even realizing it, I began to wear the mask that I would be wearing for the next decade to come.

It’s a mask that I wasn’t even aware of wearing. From the age of 13 until very recently – I honestly thought that that mask was me. I guess, in a way, it became one with me during this last decade. And a few weeks ago, something triggered it, and the darkness slowly splits away from myself. It’s slowly peeling off. And it’s leaving scars.

I met the darkness again. I would not say our encounter was phenomenal, but that encounter did open a lot of old wounds.

The darkness wants to stare me face-to-face. It wants to confront me. It wants to strip me naked. It wants to hurt me, so badly and so deeply and I don’t know if I will ever recover from it. I won the battle once when I was a kid – little did I know that there was an ongoing war and it’s still going strong right now. I’ve had another battle a few weeks ago and I lost. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to win. And I don’t know if I have to live with the darkness for the rest of my life.

I want to be a child again. I want to go back to the times when I haven’t encountered the darkness. When I was able to see the beauty in even the ugliest thing in the world.

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